Me: "Yeah, I don't like umbrellas because they multiply your chances of being struck by lightening."
Neil: "Yeah, there are a lot of things about umbrellas. For instance, this is called...something...a golf umbrella? Well, why the hell would you be playing golf on a day like this?"
Before guitar, I put on jeans and sandals and went running down the street in the rain to Jenna's house, my feet splashing in the warm, filthy puddles. Then I turned around and ran back.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I won't post too much. Just a little.
This is how sweet Jen Trainor is.
(coming down the hallway)
J: Hello Anne, how are you?
A: Alright, and you?
J: I'm fine, thank you.
A: Yes, it's very hot. I don't think we should have school when it's hot. I think they should be like, first period, just go home. Are you going to the train?
J: Yes I am, but first I'm going to go to the pat and get some sherbet.
A: Oh, right, they have the sherbet out! I should go and get some.
J: Would you like to come? My treat.
A: That's really nice of you, but I have to go find my friend.
This is why she's sweet.
1. She doesn't seem to be above talking to someone two and a half years younger.
2. She's patient enough to listen to me ramble in my quiet way.
3. Obviously, she offered to buy me sherbet.
Sooo. Having said that much, I'm going to leave so I can go study. I might be back VERY BRIEFLY after guitar, because Neil will probably say something I just have to share.
(coming down the hallway)
J: Hello Anne, how are you?
A: Alright, and you?
J: I'm fine, thank you.
A: Yes, it's very hot. I don't think we should have school when it's hot. I think they should be like, first period, just go home. Are you going to the train?
J: Yes I am, but first I'm going to go to the pat and get some sherbet.
A: Oh, right, they have the sherbet out! I should go and get some.
J: Would you like to come? My treat.
A: That's really nice of you, but I have to go find my friend.
This is why she's sweet.
1. She doesn't seem to be above talking to someone two and a half years younger.
2. She's patient enough to listen to me ramble in my quiet way.
3. Obviously, she offered to buy me sherbet.
Sooo. Having said that much, I'm going to leave so I can go study. I might be back VERY BRIEFLY after guitar, because Neil will probably say something I just have to share.
You might be surprised.
Dear Diary. (yesterday)
I ate soap today to see what it tasted like.
It tasted terrible.
It tasted terrible.
-And I think I might actually miss debating.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I know, I know. I can do this.
Friends, be proud.
I studied for two hours.
Sure, taking frequent breaks to blog, drink, and walk around aimlessly. Sure, I mostly studied the math, which (a) we get a cheat sheet for and (b) is a week after my other exams. Sure, I'm never going to finish the english exam. Be proud anyway.
Not everything is the opposite of how it seems. Few things are what they appear to be, but few things, too, are what you would expect them to be (knowing that few things are what they appear to be). Intelligence is a greater number of layers, of levels, of if-I-do-this-they'll-think-I'm-thinking-this strategies. Chess. Yes, even assumptions can be useful.
I studied for two hours.
Sure, taking frequent breaks to blog, drink, and walk around aimlessly. Sure, I mostly studied the math, which (a) we get a cheat sheet for and (b) is a week after my other exams. Sure, I'm never going to finish the english exam. Be proud anyway.
Not everything is the opposite of how it seems. Few things are what they appear to be, but few things, too, are what you would expect them to be (knowing that few things are what they appear to be). Intelligence is a greater number of layers, of levels, of if-I-do-this-they'll-think-I'm-thinking-this strategies. Chess. Yes, even assumptions can be useful.
You'll have to give me lots of chances.
Discovering my addiction
"My addiction is popcorn. Last week, I didn't have popcorn one day, even though I felt like it."
Later....
"Kaj, you know the Who? You know Roger Daltrey? Don't you think that my finger looks like him?"
My Honour Band audition was unbelievably terrible. I mean, absolutely horrendous. I don't know how I got it into my head to try out, and I don't know why it had to be today of all days, when I didn't have my wooden clarinet (and I haven't played the other one in weeks). I don't know why I had to completely blank, especially since (as I explained) I could hear the music in my head. I could hear it, but (for once) my fingers weren't moving fast enough. Ms Purdy says that most people have to play the piece to be able to hear the music, but I have to be able to hear the music to play the piece...and I suppose I don't do well under pressure. (As we discovered later when I forgot what I meant to say. Again.)
"A valiant effort, Anne."
As I was leaving (and thank you Alanna for waiting!), an unruly thought slipped into my mind. At least I can blog about this. I was immediately ashamed, but it kept bugging me all afternoon, and eventually I gave in. I don't think I would ever be able to quit, even though I know I should.
Also: I missed dance class!!!! I was jumping up and down in the hallway.
Okay, I promised myself I would do this. Just for a little while, until exams are over. I'm not even trying to quit; I'm only going to cut down a bit. Just until exams are over. I can do this.
Expect me to write all summer long.
Later....
"Kaj, you know the Who? You know Roger Daltrey? Don't you think that my finger looks like him?"
-Ariel
My Honour Band audition was unbelievably terrible. I mean, absolutely horrendous. I don't know how I got it into my head to try out, and I don't know why it had to be today of all days, when I didn't have my wooden clarinet (and I haven't played the other one in weeks). I don't know why I had to completely blank, especially since (as I explained) I could hear the music in my head. I could hear it, but (for once) my fingers weren't moving fast enough. Ms Purdy says that most people have to play the piece to be able to hear the music, but I have to be able to hear the music to play the piece...and I suppose I don't do well under pressure. (As we discovered later when I forgot what I meant to say. Again.)
"A valiant effort, Anne."
As I was leaving (and thank you Alanna for waiting!), an unruly thought slipped into my mind. At least I can blog about this. I was immediately ashamed, but it kept bugging me all afternoon, and eventually I gave in. I don't think I would ever be able to quit, even though I know I should.
Also: I missed dance class!!!! I was jumping up and down in the hallway.
Okay, I promised myself I would do this. Just for a little while, until exams are over. I'm not even trying to quit; I'm only going to cut down a bit. Just until exams are over. I can do this.
Expect me to write all summer long.
What keeps us plodding? People who care about us.
Monday, May 29, 2006
We'll see if I can stand not blogging for awhile.
We played soccer-baseball in gym today, which I detest, but it turned out to be really fun only because we didn't have to do anything, so Kelsey and I spent the whole time talking. That was great, and we really should get together and JUST HANG OUT. Protestant was excruciatingly boring, and made me truly realize how painful the last week (except for the last minute) can be.
As I told Jenna, our soccer team would make a great comic. I mean, you have Kaitlin, who runs very fast and kicks the ball anywhere it wants to go, often over the net. You have Em, who forgets that she isn't playing hockey and bodychecks anyone who tries to pass her. There's Monica cracking balls jokes and Amanda cheering everyone on and me falling on the ground.
Anyway, I don't think I'll be writing much for a little while. Eventually, I'm going to have to awake to the fact that I have exams.
As I told Jenna, our soccer team would make a great comic. I mean, you have Kaitlin, who runs very fast and kicks the ball anywhere it wants to go, often over the net. You have Em, who forgets that she isn't playing hockey and bodychecks anyone who tries to pass her. There's Monica cracking balls jokes and Amanda cheering everyone on and me falling on the ground.
Anyway, I don't think I'll be writing much for a little while. Eventually, I'm going to have to awake to the fact that I have exams.
I believe in Truth.
I am officially a dog.
OK, guys, try this one. Listen to A Day in the Life by the Beatles (obviously) and tell me if you can hear the high-pitched note at the end. Dogs are supposed to be able to hear it, but not humans.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Urgh, exams.
Rachelle: I had a Big Mac yesterday. Only it was really crappy. It was really thin, and the burger had holes in it.
Me: Uh huh....
Later....
Rachelle: It's my dad! (runs away)
Me: Hi, do you know where the tortillas are?
Have you heard the story of how my father set the Crocs trend?
A couple of years ago, my dad came home with a pair of clunky but comfortable plastic shoes for working in the garden in, bought at Canadian Tire for about ten bucks. My mother's comment? "Those are just about the tackiest things I have ever seen." Dad later picked up a dark green pair for me, and I wore them about as well. They are easy to wear.
Then last year, my mom and I were at Sports Experts when we ran into a display of brightly coloured shoes, identical to mine and my dad's except with a little strap on the back. Selling for FORTY DOLLARS.
I guess this really hit home when I saw R. Ralph wearing a pair of orange ones at school. I always knew my dad was awesome, but it seems that the rest of the world is finally catching on.
Peace.
Me: Uh huh....
Later....
Rachelle: It's my dad! (runs away)
Me: Hi, do you know where the tortillas are?
Have you heard the story of how my father set the Crocs trend?
A couple of years ago, my dad came home with a pair of clunky but comfortable plastic shoes for working in the garden in, bought at Canadian Tire for about ten bucks. My mother's comment? "Those are just about the tackiest things I have ever seen." Dad later picked up a dark green pair for me, and I wore them about as well. They are easy to wear.
Then last year, my mom and I were at Sports Experts when we ran into a display of brightly coloured shoes, identical to mine and my dad's except with a little strap on the back. Selling for FORTY DOLLARS.
I guess this really hit home when I saw R. Ralph wearing a pair of orange ones at school. I always knew my dad was awesome, but it seems that the rest of the world is finally catching on.
Peace.
I love to see you smile.
Summer arrives!
I actually slept all through the night for the second day in a row. I'm coughing a lot less, too. Good thing it wasn't in my lungs or anything.
Yesterday I...um...threw the baseball around with Dad. I used to be all right at throwing but lousy at catching, and now it's the opposite. Also, we listened to SNO, as usual. I love that show. It brings back memories, and occasionally they'll play something I like. Shadflies, shadflies....
I love grocery shopping with my dad. My mum goes through really quickly, picking up things she thinks are interesting, but by the time she reaches the cash the cart is very overstuffed. Five people, and she's the one it depends on. Whereas Dad always picks up things he likes, like tzaztiki and bread and ginger beer. It's almost as if he doesn't see the rest of the stuff in the store. I can't really explain it, but my brother's like that too. Oblivious until they decide they like something, and then they buy that all the time. (Example: My father's innumerable harmonicas.)
Then today my mum decided to take me to The Bay to see about summer skirts and such...which was painful, mostly because we both loathe shopping, but also because I seem to be a size 5, which does not exist. Hopefully we'll find some in Turkey (the place to buy any summer clothes, be they sandals or embroidered shirts). Anyway, that didn't turn out too badly.
We found the roll of film we were missing from Vancouver, which made me very very happy. Now we're missing the colour swatches for the attic. And I left all my stuff at school, so I'm going to be studying...um...sometime.
Kelsey called me last night to tell me that she thought the blog about me being questioned by the doctor was funny. My mother told her I was asleep, which wasn't exactly true -- I was in my room wearing pajamas, but I heard the phone ring and got one of those feelings that it was for me. Still, as I told Kelsey, it would have been strange for me to walk into their room to pick up the phone because I knew it was for me.
Anyway in half an hour I'm going to call and remind people we said we would be going biking.
Yesterday I...um...threw the baseball around with Dad. I used to be all right at throwing but lousy at catching, and now it's the opposite. Also, we listened to SNO, as usual. I love that show. It brings back memories, and occasionally they'll play something I like. Shadflies, shadflies....
I love grocery shopping with my dad. My mum goes through really quickly, picking up things she thinks are interesting, but by the time she reaches the cash the cart is very overstuffed. Five people, and she's the one it depends on. Whereas Dad always picks up things he likes, like tzaztiki and bread and ginger beer. It's almost as if he doesn't see the rest of the stuff in the store. I can't really explain it, but my brother's like that too. Oblivious until they decide they like something, and then they buy that all the time. (Example: My father's innumerable harmonicas.)
Then today my mum decided to take me to The Bay to see about summer skirts and such...which was painful, mostly because we both loathe shopping, but also because I seem to be a size 5, which does not exist. Hopefully we'll find some in Turkey (the place to buy any summer clothes, be they sandals or embroidered shirts). Anyway, that didn't turn out too badly.
We found the roll of film we were missing from Vancouver, which made me very very happy. Now we're missing the colour swatches for the attic. And I left all my stuff at school, so I'm going to be studying...um...sometime.
Kelsey called me last night to tell me that she thought the blog about me being questioned by the doctor was funny. My mother told her I was asleep, which wasn't exactly true -- I was in my room wearing pajamas, but I heard the phone ring and got one of those feelings that it was for me. Still, as I told Kelsey, it would have been strange for me to walk into their room to pick up the phone because I knew it was for me.
Anyway in half an hour I'm going to call and remind people we said we would be going biking.
What is beautiful?
Saturday, May 27, 2006
That was the stupidest thing ever.
And here I thought that I had chosen the option that would automatically post comments. And I was wondering why nobody ever did. Wow, am I ever stupid.
Thank you, guys, for fifty-six comments, fifty-five of which I just discovered.
Thank you, guys, for fifty-six comments, fifty-five of which I just discovered.
Kaj.
Aylin : someday we shall wake up and realize that all we have ever done is futile
Joe\Coolface: yes, because we had no objective when we started
Joe\Coolface: yes, because we had no objective when we started
Friday, May 26, 2006
The Pros and Cons of Blogging
I've been meaning to do this for awhile now. The thing is, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I stopped. I'm sure you have better things to read, but that's not what I'm getting at. I just spend a lot of time working on my posts, and yet I don't spend much time at all. Here's the list.
PRO: It pretty much forces me to write every day. This is the main reason I started.
CON: The quality of what I write here isn't very high. I don't spend much time on imagery or word choice. It's all about getting my thoughts out, and fast. The main reason I might stop: I also don't have time to write much but blog posts.
PRO: It helps me to remember so much more, from thoughts to events. I love it because it's a history of my life, and I can bring back the state of mind I was in when I wrote those words.
CON: The posts aren't that indicative of my pure thoughts, because I write them for everyone to read, and they would just be so much more boring than they are. It's not exactly personal, either, though that isn't a big issue.
PRO: I have an audience. That's the factor that causes me to write every day. And I love that I occasionally make my friends smile.
CON: I have an audience. I therefore write as if I'm talking to my friends, and while there is no problem with that, I like to write in a variety of voices. That just isn't happening right now.
At the moment, the pros outweigh the cons, but that could change. I like blogging, though...much more than I believed I would.
PRO: It pretty much forces me to write every day. This is the main reason I started.
CON: The quality of what I write here isn't very high. I don't spend much time on imagery or word choice. It's all about getting my thoughts out, and fast. The main reason I might stop: I also don't have time to write much but blog posts.
PRO: It helps me to remember so much more, from thoughts to events. I love it because it's a history of my life, and I can bring back the state of mind I was in when I wrote those words.
CON: The posts aren't that indicative of my pure thoughts, because I write them for everyone to read, and they would just be so much more boring than they are. It's not exactly personal, either, though that isn't a big issue.
PRO: I have an audience. That's the factor that causes me to write every day. And I love that I occasionally make my friends smile.
CON: I have an audience. I therefore write as if I'm talking to my friends, and while there is no problem with that, I like to write in a variety of voices. That just isn't happening right now.
At the moment, the pros outweigh the cons, but that could change. I like blogging, though...much more than I believed I would.
The Joy of the Starting Note
I'm sitting here now, wearing my dark green dress and listening to Echoes. Typing. Today is a day that needs to be blogged about.
I can't sleep anymore, with my hacking cough. At just after midnight this morning, my half-awake brain told me to get up and go bother my mother. (Often that helps.)
Me: I still can't sleep.
Dad: Did you try the extra pillows?
Me: I can't sleep sitting up! And I'm so hot.
Mom: You should go back to bed.
Me: Yeah, sure.
I walked out, then turned around and came back.
Me: I feel really, really sick.
Mom: Go to the bathroom and take off your retainers, then.
I walked to the bathroom, took out my retainers, put them down on a convenient flat surface (the sink), and went to stare at the toilet. Somewhere in my addled brain a thought rose, telling me that maybe I should go to the bathroom adjoining my parents' room. That thought was another example of why I believe in fate.
Mom: Did you take your retainers off? Are you feeling all right?
Me: Yeah...
Mom: Are you OK?
Me (leaning on the wardrobe): I feel so dizzy....
***
Mom: Are you okay? Talk to me! (to dad) Look, she's ashen. She's in a cold sweat.
Me: Urghh?
Mom: Talk to me!
Me: I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine, but I'm alive.
Mom: I should hope so. (to dad) We have to get someone to watch the kids.
Me: (sitting up) No, I'm fine. Really. Actually, I've always wanted to faint.
Mom: Don't do that to me! What happened today? Did you eat?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Did you drink?
Me: Um....
Mom: You didn't drink all day long?
Me: Yeah, in retrospect, that may have been a mistake.
So this morning I had to endure visiting a doctor about my cough, and my mother of course had to tell him about how I blacked out, and then I had to endure all these follow-my-finger exercises and walking-in-a-straight-line (much like what Kim and I put some of you through, in some ways). And then there was the interrogation.
Him: Do you smoke?
Me: No.
Him: Don't worry, I'm not going to tell your mom. So have you ever smoked?
Me: No.
Him: Have you been doing drugs? You know, gotten together with your friends at a party, and just gotten high together?
Me: No.
Him: Marijuana? Heroin?
Me: No.
Him: Alcohol?
Me: Uh...no....
Him: You sure?
Me: Yes.
Painful even for the guiltless.
And now for something completely different: I had a dream one night that we had a party where everyone had to (a) wear a dress and (b) bring a guitar. So we were all sitting around, stumming our guitars...I believe either kaj or alec tried to get in with a kilt. Something like that.
The music exam was...well...it got better after the first two scales (the easiest) for me. Not awful, and the piece was alright. I managed to hand in my late pass. (A step up.) And how I love the starting note. The free note. The note that is never marked, never graded, never evaluated, judged...however you want to put it, it is the note that can be anything it chooses to be.
So tonight I plan to spend here, thinking way too much and worrying.
-Liuqael
I can't sleep anymore, with my hacking cough. At just after midnight this morning, my half-awake brain told me to get up and go bother my mother. (Often that helps.)
Me: I still can't sleep.
Dad: Did you try the extra pillows?
Me: I can't sleep sitting up! And I'm so hot.
Mom: You should go back to bed.
Me: Yeah, sure.
I walked out, then turned around and came back.
Me: I feel really, really sick.
Mom: Go to the bathroom and take off your retainers, then.
I walked to the bathroom, took out my retainers, put them down on a convenient flat surface (the sink), and went to stare at the toilet. Somewhere in my addled brain a thought rose, telling me that maybe I should go to the bathroom adjoining my parents' room. That thought was another example of why I believe in fate.
Mom: Did you take your retainers off? Are you feeling all right?
Me: Yeah...
Mom: Are you OK?
Me (leaning on the wardrobe): I feel so dizzy....
***
Mom: Are you okay? Talk to me! (to dad) Look, she's ashen. She's in a cold sweat.
Me: Urghh?
Mom: Talk to me!
Me: I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine, but I'm alive.
Mom: I should hope so. (to dad) We have to get someone to watch the kids.
Me: (sitting up) No, I'm fine. Really. Actually, I've always wanted to faint.
Mom: Don't do that to me! What happened today? Did you eat?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Did you drink?
Me: Um....
Mom: You didn't drink all day long?
Me: Yeah, in retrospect, that may have been a mistake.
So this morning I had to endure visiting a doctor about my cough, and my mother of course had to tell him about how I blacked out, and then I had to endure all these follow-my-finger exercises and walking-in-a-straight-line (much like what Kim and I put some of you through, in some ways). And then there was the interrogation.
Him: Do you smoke?
Me: No.
Him: Don't worry, I'm not going to tell your mom. So have you ever smoked?
Me: No.
Him: Have you been doing drugs? You know, gotten together with your friends at a party, and just gotten high together?
Me: No.
Him: Marijuana? Heroin?
Me: No.
Him: Alcohol?
Me: Uh...no....
Him: You sure?
Me: Yes.
Painful even for the guiltless.
And now for something completely different: I had a dream one night that we had a party where everyone had to (a) wear a dress and (b) bring a guitar. So we were all sitting around, stumming our guitars...I believe either kaj or alec tried to get in with a kilt. Something like that.
The music exam was...well...it got better after the first two scales (the easiest) for me. Not awful, and the piece was alright. I managed to hand in my late pass. (A step up.) And how I love the starting note. The free note. The note that is never marked, never graded, never evaluated, judged...however you want to put it, it is the note that can be anything it chooses to be.
So tonight I plan to spend here, thinking way too much and worrying.
-Liuqael
I know you don't care. But I do.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Home, home again
The sentence everyone longs to hear: I feel the same way about you.
Forget all my other theories. This truly is the best way to describe my character right now.
I remove myself from the world, then I complain about being alone, and then I become depressed because I'm such a whiner.
Perfect.
If I could be anywhere in the world right now, it would be at the beach where we stayed on a day just like this one -- not too hot and sunny, not too cold and rainy, the breeze playing in my hair. A grey sea. Watching the waves roll in. And out. And we'd be singing. Nothing could be more beautiful now.
I know there is depth in the world, somewhere. I know that there's a way of looking at things that is completely different, I know that there is light beyond the void. There might even be meaning. You never know.
Forget all my other theories. This truly is the best way to describe my character right now.
I remove myself from the world, then I complain about being alone, and then I become depressed because I'm such a whiner.
Perfect.
If I could be anywhere in the world right now, it would be at the beach where we stayed on a day just like this one -- not too hot and sunny, not too cold and rainy, the breeze playing in my hair. A grey sea. Watching the waves roll in. And out. And we'd be singing. Nothing could be more beautiful now.
I know there is depth in the world, somewhere. I know that there's a way of looking at things that is completely different, I know that there is light beyond the void. There might even be meaning. You never know.
waking dreams
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Quoth Fred:
Afraid to look. Eyes downcast. What if I burn too deep? What if there’s nothing left but truth? Afraid of the truth, but constantly seeking it. Please, be strong, because you make me strong. Strong enough that someday I will dare to look up, to burn away all the shells around the truth. And I will want to die, but more than that I will want to live.
Forgive me, friends, for speaking of myself. Confused though this world is, I may be the thing I understand the least about it. Allow me, therefore, to publish my theories on the way my mind works, or more accurately doesn’t. My moods change; bear with me, and this one shall pass, as all things do.
*pauses*
O, loathsome neutrality.
In this world, confused as it is, we are required to choose sides. Light or dark, right or wrong, black or white…for though nothing is clear-cut and there are always shades of gray, I believe ultimately there are two paths we can go by. Those are the requirements, and to be truly living we must adhere to them. To keep silent, to keep opinion and emotion to oneself, to remove oneself of the world, is taking one’s own life.
Because neutrality kills, and by definition does not confine itself to one side. Choosing neutrality is to forsake the good along with the ill.
I am not truly neutral, of course. I merely keep myself to myself. On my own, I can be an actor, a singer, a dancer. This is precisely why I can never be any of these. I understand the tree that falls alone in the forest. I understand the cat in the box with the bottle of cyanide. (If you really want to know about this, ask me.) I understand these because I am them, and because I still have not figured out whether I make a sound at all as I fall.
Perhaps there is still time to change the road I’m on. Or, precisely, to actually get on a freaking road. And not a day goes by that I don’t feel thankful that I have the best friends it is possible to have.
Such was my tree of thought (branching out) as I walked home, alone after leaving the others. Haltingly, pausing every once in awhile to stare, stare into...nothing much, but I was tired, and still am. I stopped in front of the house, wondering if I really wanted to step back into life. Eventually, I took a breath, leapt in through the door, and strode upstairs assertively, ready to write about my states of confusion.
I marched into my room, threw my bag on the ground, tossed my backpack aside with the aloof air of an indifferent artist, turned to go and shut the door, stepped in a basket, and flew across the room into my sister's dresser, slamming la porte in the process.
Wait, wait! Guess what I'm going to say! Charlie Brown!
Protestant was the best today. First Desilets threw Billy out of the class for being a pervert. Then he threw Kaj out of the class for finding something funny. Billy walked out almost proudly, whereas Kaj stood up, pointed a finger at the teacher, and raged, "It is a sad society that is not allowed to laugh, Mr Desilets!" before leaving, a smile of satisfaction on his lips. (Alec found that funny, of course.) Then Desilets threw Graham out of the class for being too smart (tsk, tsk...haven't you learned, Graham?) and told him to let the other two come back in.
Ariel is such a great singer, even though she wants to die right now. Ariel and Kaj and everyone were great. (One of the best scenes, I believe, was Kaj getting pushed to the ground by the short kid with the cane.)
Anyway. I want to write a lot more, but I really really have to go now, so see you soon.
Forgive me, friends, for speaking of myself. Confused though this world is, I may be the thing I understand the least about it. Allow me, therefore, to publish my theories on the way my mind works, or more accurately doesn’t. My moods change; bear with me, and this one shall pass, as all things do.
*pauses*
O, loathsome neutrality.
In this world, confused as it is, we are required to choose sides. Light or dark, right or wrong, black or white…for though nothing is clear-cut and there are always shades of gray, I believe ultimately there are two paths we can go by. Those are the requirements, and to be truly living we must adhere to them. To keep silent, to keep opinion and emotion to oneself, to remove oneself of the world, is taking one’s own life.
Because neutrality kills, and by definition does not confine itself to one side. Choosing neutrality is to forsake the good along with the ill.
I am not truly neutral, of course. I merely keep myself to myself. On my own, I can be an actor, a singer, a dancer. This is precisely why I can never be any of these. I understand the tree that falls alone in the forest. I understand the cat in the box with the bottle of cyanide. (If you really want to know about this, ask me.) I understand these because I am them, and because I still have not figured out whether I make a sound at all as I fall.
Perhaps there is still time to change the road I’m on. Or, precisely, to actually get on a freaking road. And not a day goes by that I don’t feel thankful that I have the best friends it is possible to have.
Such was my tree of thought (branching out) as I walked home, alone after leaving the others. Haltingly, pausing every once in awhile to stare, stare into...nothing much, but I was tired, and still am. I stopped in front of the house, wondering if I really wanted to step back into life. Eventually, I took a breath, leapt in through the door, and strode upstairs assertively, ready to write about my states of confusion.
I marched into my room, threw my bag on the ground, tossed my backpack aside with the aloof air of an indifferent artist, turned to go and shut the door, stepped in a basket, and flew across the room into my sister's dresser, slamming la porte in the process.
Wait, wait! Guess what I'm going to say! Charlie Brown!
Protestant was the best today. First Desilets threw Billy out of the class for being a pervert. Then he threw Kaj out of the class for finding something funny. Billy walked out almost proudly, whereas Kaj stood up, pointed a finger at the teacher, and raged, "It is a sad society that is not allowed to laugh, Mr Desilets!" before leaving, a smile of satisfaction on his lips. (Alec found that funny, of course.) Then Desilets threw Graham out of the class for being too smart (tsk, tsk...haven't you learned, Graham?) and told him to let the other two come back in.
Ariel is such a great singer, even though she wants to die right now. Ariel and Kaj and everyone were great. (One of the best scenes, I believe, was Kaj getting pushed to the ground by the short kid with the cane.)
Anyway. I want to write a lot more, but I really really have to go now, so see you soon.
claustrophobic in a bubble. trying so hard to break free.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
If all the world's a stage, I'm hiding in the curtains
Well, a confused bell, science class first, and the gym class from hell did very little to wake me up or improve any mood of mine today. The bell went off ten minutes early, we had a quiz, and I spent forty-five awful minutes inside twisting and falling on the floor while watching the guys play baseball.
Then everyone was angry at lunch because the three people around whom our universe revolves had left us alone. I felt abandoned for some reason, even though I know I never am. Walked home after photography. Heard crows in the distance and thought it was someone calling my name. Practiced clarinet, panicking in advance. Felt much better after food, and not because of the food.
Then everyone was angry at lunch because the three people around whom our universe revolves had left us alone. I felt abandoned for some reason, even though I know I never am. Walked home after photography. Heard crows in the distance and thought it was someone calling my name. Practiced clarinet, panicking in advance. Felt much better after food, and not because of the food.
A bad case of indecision; confined by every rule.
Monday, May 22, 2006
One greatest hits album does not a lifelong fan make.
Dedicated to Alicia, as promised.
Left on my own and having nothing to do (soccer being cancelled), I made the mistake of looking up Quantum Physics on Wikipedia, which resulted in an hour-and-a-half trek around the internet trying to find a website that could clearly explain to a layman (would that be layperson?) the meaning of pretty much everything. It's an area of science I enjoy, if never understand, with all the indecisiveness (well, THAT I understand) and polarization.
Ironically, my computer froze on a site about light polarization, causing me to end (or more accurately suspend) my quest.
Later on msn I had a conversation with Kaj about (surprise, surprise) Pink Floyd. Conversations with Kaj always enhance my view of the world, though this time I didn't get the same feeling of being so very much stupider. I guess I'm not that far behind in knowledge when it comes to that particular subject.
Oh, and apparently Alicia and Jocelyne's mothers went to the same high school. You should all go and read Alicia's blog now, because she is a great writer whatever she thinks or says and she makes me laugh.
Left on my own and having nothing to do (soccer being cancelled), I made the mistake of looking up Quantum Physics on Wikipedia, which resulted in an hour-and-a-half trek around the internet trying to find a website that could clearly explain to a layman (would that be layperson?) the meaning of pretty much everything. It's an area of science I enjoy, if never understand, with all the indecisiveness (well, THAT I understand) and polarization.
Ironically, my computer froze on a site about light polarization, causing me to end (or more accurately suspend) my quest.
Later on msn I had a conversation with Kaj about (surprise, surprise) Pink Floyd. Conversations with Kaj always enhance my view of the world, though this time I didn't get the same feeling of being so very much stupider. I guess I'm not that far behind in knowledge when it comes to that particular subject.
Oh, and apparently Alicia and Jocelyne's mothers went to the same high school. You should all go and read Alicia's blog now, because she is a great writer whatever she thinks or says and she makes me laugh.
At least the sun's out.
Someday I'll learn to play Danse Macabre.
Was looking through my old stuff from grades five to seven today and realized that Grade Eight has been far and away the best year. And it's all because of you guys. Yes, you, reading this. I love you all so much.
*sniff*
Okay, back to business. Let me tell you why my guitar teacher thinks I have a good ear.
One day we were playing around with capos and he strummed a chord and said, "really of course that's a --" and I said, "B flat major." "How do you know?" he asked. I don't know what answer he was expecting to hear...probably something logical...but it probably was not, "Well, it sounds like B flat."
It's true that I can identify notes. I did it today when Jenna and I were blowing on the neck of our Stewarts bottles. I don't have perfect pitch -- I could not tune the strings on my guitar to the perfect tones without a point of reference. Yet a combination of ten years on the piano and perhaps a little bit of genetics have provided me with the ability to discern between F and Ab, whether it be the whine of a lawnmower or a note on the flute.
I've decided to pull a Kyle and remain in pajamas until soccer practice. Until then, I'll probably be wandering around the house.
Was looking through my old stuff from grades five to seven today and realized that Grade Eight has been far and away the best year. And it's all because of you guys. Yes, you, reading this. I love you all so much.
*sniff*
Okay, back to business. Let me tell you why my guitar teacher thinks I have a good ear.
One day we were playing around with capos and he strummed a chord and said, "really of course that's a --" and I said, "B flat major." "How do you know?" he asked. I don't know what answer he was expecting to hear...probably something logical...but it probably was not, "Well, it sounds like B flat."
It's true that I can identify notes. I did it today when Jenna and I were blowing on the neck of our Stewarts bottles. I don't have perfect pitch -- I could not tune the strings on my guitar to the perfect tones without a point of reference. Yet a combination of ten years on the piano and perhaps a little bit of genetics have provided me with the ability to discern between F and Ab, whether it be the whine of a lawnmower or a note on the flute.
I've decided to pull a Kyle and remain in pajamas until soccer practice. Until then, I'll probably be wandering around the house.
Memories less difficult than ever.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I hate arpeggios.
I should be on Survivor.
This morning I played all the arpeggios for my exam. That's all the major keys and nearly all the minor keys. First, second, and third positions. Two hands simultaneously, four octaves each. Twice as fast as it should be.
I think I enter another dimension when I play arpeggios, where time and space and melody are unknown and have no bearing on anything. And when my music teacher says, remember to play in sixteenth notes, I play the exact same thing again, stressing every fourth note, and she says it's better.
We went biking during the little window in between rain today, which was great except that we really need to find some new haunts. Something new to do. Somewhere new to leave our soda bottles.
This morning I played all the arpeggios for my exam. That's all the major keys and nearly all the minor keys. First, second, and third positions. Two hands simultaneously, four octaves each. Twice as fast as it should be.
I think I enter another dimension when I play arpeggios, where time and space and melody are unknown and have no bearing on anything. And when my music teacher says, remember to play in sixteenth notes, I play the exact same thing again, stressing every fourth note, and she says it's better.
We went biking during the little window in between rain today, which was great except that we really need to find some new haunts. Something new to do. Somewhere new to leave our soda bottles.
Truth is....
Saturday, May 20, 2006
For Isabelle's benefit, mainly.
What I said to Jacob yesterday:
"Jacob, admit it! Deep down inside, you are a kind, gentle, caring person!"
Because he really really is. I was on a roll.
"And that's why you're so angry at Kaj, Jacob! Because you care about him, you're worried about him!"
I got a capo, finally.
"Jacob, admit it! Deep down inside, you are a kind, gentle, caring person!"
Because he really really is. I was on a roll.
"And that's why you're so angry at Kaj, Jacob! Because you care about him, you're worried about him!"
I got a capo, finally.
About Friday
The single best moment of yesterday: when we were at Alec's washing our hands and I pushed the lever on top of the faucet and put my hands under the water and the lever fell down and the water turned off and I was left there laughing at my own Charlie Brownishness (as described by Kaj).
I was very confident walking to school yesterday. I knew it was going to be an interesting day, because it was the end of the most insane week ever. I knew it wasn't going to end in anticlimax, because we'd already had a day where nothing happened (thursday). I wasn't entirely sure what we were doing, but certainly it would be interesting.
Let me tell you about coming home last night.
Picture a girl coming home, impossibly wet, coughing like crazy, walking up to her front door, grinning, and saying, "Hi, Mom."
It wasn't entirely my fault. In fact, as my mother stressed to me later, it was due to poor planning and us not knowing what we're doing until five seconds before we do it.
Rings a bell?
The second best moment of the day: the eleven of us walking all the way around Cavendish Mall in the rain, everyone talking over everyone else.
The third best moment of the day: Ariel and Kaj having their little Tag war and Kaj getting foot powder all over his DSOTM shirt.
Things to remember for next time: 1. NEVER let Alec pick the movie again. (It was hilariously terrible...can't believe Jacob let us see it. Although it was fun laughing through the parts where everyone was dying, and listening to Isabelle predict the whole thing. Wow, we must have driven everyone around us insane.) 2. Let's actually figure out what we're doing before we're doing it so nobody gets left walking in the pouring rain on Sherbrooke alone at ten thirty at night again. (Samosas?) 3. How about we just skip the movie and hang out at someone's house? (Meaning: anyone's but mine.)
And Arthi's in Florida.
I have another nightmare to add to my list. Actually, it isn't really a nightmare because it has a good chance of happening, and it's not nearly as bad as the other two I mentioned before. I have this fear that someone will start waving or gesturing or mouthing words toward me from the other side of the room, and I'll respond, and then I'll turn around and realize they were talking to the person behind me. I don't deal well with awkward situations.
In a way, it's a good thing I don't have soccer today. I'm a little afraid to venture out of my room, though, even though my mom decided, finally, that it wasn't my fault. I really wanted to go biking this weekend, but I might end up grounded for the second time in my life.
One Last Thing (OLT): Here's another quote to add to the list from yesterday. R Ralph, Robbie S and Shadowitz happened to be in the same theatre as us.
Ralph to me: You'll have to tell me tomorrow what the movie was about.
Me to Ralph: Tomorrow's Saturday.
I was very confident walking to school yesterday. I knew it was going to be an interesting day, because it was the end of the most insane week ever. I knew it wasn't going to end in anticlimax, because we'd already had a day where nothing happened (thursday). I wasn't entirely sure what we were doing, but certainly it would be interesting.
Let me tell you about coming home last night.
Picture a girl coming home, impossibly wet, coughing like crazy, walking up to her front door, grinning, and saying, "Hi, Mom."
It wasn't entirely my fault. In fact, as my mother stressed to me later, it was due to poor planning and us not knowing what we're doing until five seconds before we do it.
Rings a bell?
The second best moment of the day: the eleven of us walking all the way around Cavendish Mall in the rain, everyone talking over everyone else.
The third best moment of the day: Ariel and Kaj having their little Tag war and Kaj getting foot powder all over his DSOTM shirt.
Things to remember for next time: 1. NEVER let Alec pick the movie again. (It was hilariously terrible...can't believe Jacob let us see it. Although it was fun laughing through the parts where everyone was dying, and listening to Isabelle predict the whole thing. Wow, we must have driven everyone around us insane.) 2. Let's actually figure out what we're doing before we're doing it so nobody gets left walking in the pouring rain on Sherbrooke alone at ten thirty at night again. (Samosas?) 3. How about we just skip the movie and hang out at someone's house? (Meaning: anyone's but mine.)
And Arthi's in Florida.
I have another nightmare to add to my list. Actually, it isn't really a nightmare because it has a good chance of happening, and it's not nearly as bad as the other two I mentioned before. I have this fear that someone will start waving or gesturing or mouthing words toward me from the other side of the room, and I'll respond, and then I'll turn around and realize they were talking to the person behind me. I don't deal well with awkward situations.
In a way, it's a good thing I don't have soccer today. I'm a little afraid to venture out of my room, though, even though my mom decided, finally, that it wasn't my fault. I really wanted to go biking this weekend, but I might end up grounded for the second time in my life.
One Last Thing (OLT): Here's another quote to add to the list from yesterday. R Ralph, Robbie S and Shadowitz happened to be in the same theatre as us.
Ralph to me: You'll have to tell me tomorrow what the movie was about.
Me to Ralph: Tomorrow's Saturday.
Please, please, tell me the truth.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays."
"I once had an uncle who was a muppet." -Kelsey (yesterday, I think)
My bird just bit my nose.
As I was walking to school today (alone...how I miss Rachelle!) I thought to myself about the very strange week that it has been. And I said (possibly out loud), "I bet nothing's going to happen today, because that's what I least expect."
Nothing really did.
I think Jacob was pleasantly surprised in science class by the fact that whatever taste I have in music resembles his. I simply cannot believe that Alec ripped our love note off the back of his agenda.
Don't worry about the soccer game, Jenna -- as you will hear, only one person from the other team showed up, and the referee was nowhere to be found. We're assuming that they cancelled without telling us, and if they did that just because of the ECS concert, we should push for a win by default. We had nine people.
The only other thing that happened was that I played my Chopin piece better than I ever have before, which was a happy surprise.
If you were among the few today who saw me walking down the third floor hallway looking like the bottom had fallen from my world, don't worry. It was just a passing phase of deep dark despair. Don't we all have those sometimes?
My bird just bit my nose.
As I was walking to school today (alone...how I miss Rachelle!) I thought to myself about the very strange week that it has been. And I said (possibly out loud), "I bet nothing's going to happen today, because that's what I least expect."
Nothing really did.
I think Jacob was pleasantly surprised in science class by the fact that whatever taste I have in music resembles his. I simply cannot believe that Alec ripped our love note off the back of his agenda.
Don't worry about the soccer game, Jenna -- as you will hear, only one person from the other team showed up, and the referee was nowhere to be found. We're assuming that they cancelled without telling us, and if they did that just because of the ECS concert, we should push for a win by default. We had nine people.
The only other thing that happened was that I played my Chopin piece better than I ever have before, which was a happy surprise.
If you were among the few today who saw me walking down the third floor hallway looking like the bottom had fallen from my world, don't worry. It was just a passing phase of deep dark despair. Don't we all have those sometimes?
split between reason and truth
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
After Guitar
"Let's see if we can completely destroy this piece."
"Okay. [...] Hang on, what's the first chord again?"
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry I was so self-absorbed with the last post. I'm sorry I'm such a hypocritical jerk, guys. I love you all.
"Okay. [...] Hang on, what's the first chord again?"
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry I was so self-absorbed with the last post. I'm sorry I'm such a hypocritical jerk, guys. I love you all.
Day Three
I am weak because I am afraid.
Afraid of doing, saying the wrong thing. Afraid of hurting other people and myself. And, therefore, afraid of being too close to people.
Withdrawing is easier.
I am a liar too, because I say I want things to happen. I say I want to be more than the observer. But I retreat into myself, watching other people live their lives, and whether this gives me more pleasure or makes me more miserable I cannot say.
But an island never cries.
So you forget me, continuing with your life, your story. And only when I am completely alone will I remember that I am not only afraid of being too close, I am afraid of being too far away.
I wrote that in my drug workshop notebook this morning, when I woke up.
Alec: "You're in denial, aren't you."
Kelsey: "No I'm not!"
A month of emotion seems to be being crammed into this single week. Today continued the trend, as I expected it to. I'm pretty sure the rain is behind all this, or it's in between all this and the cause, like an eclipse that doesn't eclipse anything at all.
I was angry because you can't just get up and leave your problems behind. Life doesn't work that way. Honestly, everyone has a bad day sometimes, some more than often -- STICK IT OUT.
I'm sorry I was angry, now. Anger never lasts long for me. I am just seriously depressed. Science class did that to me. I was going to do the pros and cons of blogging today, but I just can't manage it now. I was going to do a lot I can't think of. Pretty much all I'm good for now is untwisting and retwisting paper clips and strumming the same chord on my guitar over and over and over.
Afraid of doing, saying the wrong thing. Afraid of hurting other people and myself. And, therefore, afraid of being too close to people.
Withdrawing is easier.
I am a liar too, because I say I want things to happen. I say I want to be more than the observer. But I retreat into myself, watching other people live their lives, and whether this gives me more pleasure or makes me more miserable I cannot say.
But an island never cries.
So you forget me, continuing with your life, your story. And only when I am completely alone will I remember that I am not only afraid of being too close, I am afraid of being too far away.
I wrote that in my drug workshop notebook this morning, when I woke up.
Alec: "You're in denial, aren't you."
Kelsey: "No I'm not!"
A month of emotion seems to be being crammed into this single week. Today continued the trend, as I expected it to. I'm pretty sure the rain is behind all this, or it's in between all this and the cause, like an eclipse that doesn't eclipse anything at all.
I was angry because you can't just get up and leave your problems behind. Life doesn't work that way. Honestly, everyone has a bad day sometimes, some more than often -- STICK IT OUT.
I'm sorry I was angry, now. Anger never lasts long for me. I am just seriously depressed. Science class did that to me. I was going to do the pros and cons of blogging today, but I just can't manage it now. I was going to do a lot I can't think of. Pretty much all I'm good for now is untwisting and retwisting paper clips and strumming the same chord on my guitar over and over and over.
Why can't you see?
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Okay, let me remedy that.
I just realized that last post wasn't very fair.
I really just spent a couple of paragraphs referencing things that likely no one beside me noticed.
I have recognized the error of my ways, and to atone for my misdeeds I shall write a little about how I played music at the seniors' home today.
David Chen and Annie took turns astounding everyone gathered. During David's third piano piece, I noticed that the lady on my left was humming along to the music and moving her fingers.
"Did you used to play that piece?"
"Oh, I used to play a lot of piano. Lots of piano, but I've forgotten it. I've forgotten everything."
"Would you like to play for us? We'd love to hear you."
"Oh, not today, not now. I couldn't play now."
Then Desilets decided that we needed someone else to play (because, you know, Annie and David aren't good enough). Which narrowed it down to me and Kim. Guess who had to get up to play.
Right.
I sat down at the bench. Confused thoughts hurtled through my mind. The most prominent one, of course, was What am I doing?
Hey, relax, put in a corner of my mind. Nobody cares how good your technique is. What matters here is that you play from the heart, that you make this piano sing with emotion.
It didn't quite word it that way, because when the corners of my mind talk to one another, they don't usually put it into words.
I smiled. "A lot of you probably know this," I said. You probably know it too. The nocturne in e-flat major. I smiled again, as if life were incredibly funny and beautiful.
I started playing.
I didn't slaughter the Chopin the way I had feared. I made a few ridiculous mistakes (eg. switching octaves at the end? I was forced to make something up, and it was pretty obvious. To Chen, at least) but it wasn't awful. In fact, it sounded pretty good. In fact, it sort of flowed. In fact, I felt as though I were seeing, hearing, the piece in a whole new fresh different way, like if I were looking through it or through something at it, from way up in the sky. Not like that piece doesn't always make me feel that way.
It's impossible for me to describe the thoughts that danced through my head right then, but I was fully aware of what other people in the room were saying. "They're all good," said one lady, as I began. "You liked that, didn't you?" another asked her friend at the end. I was worried at one point that the piece would be too long, and I stumbled, but I (sort of) found my feet again. Chen was nice, and said it was good...as did the nice lady on my right, with whom I got along rather well.
I'm not a terribly good pianist, certainly not up to David's level. Normally, I blow most things I have to do in front of people, especially a smaller group of people I know well. Sometimes, though, strange and even beautiful things happen.
Kim and I were the best, though.
I really just spent a couple of paragraphs referencing things that likely no one beside me noticed.
I have recognized the error of my ways, and to atone for my misdeeds I shall write a little about how I played music at the seniors' home today.
David Chen and Annie took turns astounding everyone gathered. During David's third piano piece, I noticed that the lady on my left was humming along to the music and moving her fingers.
"Did you used to play that piece?"
"Oh, I used to play a lot of piano. Lots of piano, but I've forgotten it. I've forgotten everything."
"Would you like to play for us? We'd love to hear you."
"Oh, not today, not now. I couldn't play now."
Then Desilets decided that we needed someone else to play (because, you know, Annie and David aren't good enough). Which narrowed it down to me and Kim. Guess who had to get up to play.
Right.
I sat down at the bench. Confused thoughts hurtled through my mind. The most prominent one, of course, was What am I doing?
Hey, relax, put in a corner of my mind. Nobody cares how good your technique is. What matters here is that you play from the heart, that you make this piano sing with emotion.
It didn't quite word it that way, because when the corners of my mind talk to one another, they don't usually put it into words.
I smiled. "A lot of you probably know this," I said. You probably know it too. The nocturne in e-flat major. I smiled again, as if life were incredibly funny and beautiful.
I started playing.
I didn't slaughter the Chopin the way I had feared. I made a few ridiculous mistakes (eg. switching octaves at the end? I was forced to make something up, and it was pretty obvious. To Chen, at least) but it wasn't awful. In fact, it sounded pretty good. In fact, it sort of flowed. In fact, I felt as though I were seeing, hearing, the piece in a whole new fresh different way, like if I were looking through it or through something at it, from way up in the sky. Not like that piece doesn't always make me feel that way.
It's impossible for me to describe the thoughts that danced through my head right then, but I was fully aware of what other people in the room were saying. "They're all good," said one lady, as I began. "You liked that, didn't you?" another asked her friend at the end. I was worried at one point that the piece would be too long, and I stumbled, but I (sort of) found my feet again. Chen was nice, and said it was good...as did the nice lady on my right, with whom I got along rather well.
I'm not a terribly good pianist, certainly not up to David's level. Normally, I blow most things I have to do in front of people, especially a smaller group of people I know well. Sometimes, though, strange and even beautiful things happen.
Kim and I were the best, though.
Wow.
To try and summarize this day in a blog is difficult to say the least. So many things out of the ordinary. I'll try and fit it into a sentence. Rain; free dress; bye rachelle!; peanut butter sandwich; the old car; chopsticks; david chen is amazing; playing piano with kim; kelsey trying to fit through the window; ELP; kaj walking around the cafeteria; kaj walking on the radiator; isabelle playing football; me, there, in between the lockers.
I'll take a few of those now.
david chen is amazing: Well, he is. At the piano. That's what I was talking about. I mean amazing. Really amazing. You get the picture. I wish my hands were bigger.
chopsticks: Nice to know Alec finally learned to play something on the piano.
bye rachelle!: and have a great time in QC, as I know you will.
playing piano with kim: We were awesome! Good to know they have birds to keep them company.
kaj walking on the radiator: I think that was more fun than anything I've done in a long enough time. I have no idea why, either.
Well, for once Tuesday was a huge improvement on Monday. It does feel like it's been a week. We'll see what happens to the trend tomorrow, will we not?
I'll take a few of those now.
david chen is amazing: Well, he is. At the piano. That's what I was talking about. I mean amazing. Really amazing. You get the picture. I wish my hands were bigger.
chopsticks: Nice to know Alec finally learned to play something on the piano.
bye rachelle!: and have a great time in QC, as I know you will.
playing piano with kim: We were awesome! Good to know they have birds to keep them company.
kaj walking on the radiator: I think that was more fun than anything I've done in a long enough time. I have no idea why, either.
Well, for once Tuesday was a huge improvement on Monday. It does feel like it's been a week. We'll see what happens to the trend tomorrow, will we not?
Their smiles are all the lovelier.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Update.
Well, soccer did manage to improve my mood tremendously, even though I did wear the wrong shirt. I wish it was longer than an hour, and I wish I hadn't messed up that kick right at the end. Sigh....
Bad day
"Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does."
-Douglas Adams, I believe
The music test. Well, I realized we were all playing the wrong rhythm (except marco and kelsey). I tried, therefore, to play the right rhythm for my test. I'd never actually played the right rhythm before, so I not only completely forgot all the lovely dynamics I had so well worked out but also blew the attempt at changing my rhythm habit.
That may have been the best part of the day.
The SLA elections were a disaster, and made me angry. Hopefully that beam of light, soccer practice, won't turn on me as well.
-Douglas Adams, I believe
The music test. Well, I realized we were all playing the wrong rhythm (except marco and kelsey). I tried, therefore, to play the right rhythm for my test. I'd never actually played the right rhythm before, so I not only completely forgot all the lovely dynamics I had so well worked out but also blew the attempt at changing my rhythm habit.
That may have been the best part of the day.
The SLA elections were a disaster, and made me angry. Hopefully that beam of light, soccer practice, won't turn on me as well.
waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Sunday, May 14, 2006
THAT's what I wanted to say.
Our soccer standings: 2-1-1
Over three goals scored, at least three scored against.
Not bad considering we lost nearly every game the past two years and more.
Actually, we were playing much better than the other team on Saturday, and we had more people than they did. Two shockers. They scored (astonishingly) during the first half, and the second half we played desperate that we were running out of time. Kaitlin scored during the last minute or so, and we all jumped around like nuts back on defence.
Over three goals scored, at least three scored against.
Not bad considering we lost nearly every game the past two years and more.
Actually, we were playing much better than the other team on Saturday, and we had more people than they did. Two shockers. They scored (astonishingly) during the first half, and the second half we played desperate that we were running out of time. Kaitlin scored during the last minute or so, and we all jumped around like nuts back on defence.
Another Lonely Weekend
Sorry, that was a little too short. I'll try and remedy that.
Yesterday afternoon I spent walking around the Pointe-Claire pool, talking to cherry trees and such. I discovered the library for all of ten minutes before closing time, concious of the looks I was receiving -- with my orange sandals, unbrushed hair, somewhat ripped clothing, and above all my dad's extremely faded rain-splattered old blue jacket -- sitting there reading that book I always read when at an unfamiliar library. (I'll finish it someday.)
There was a groundhog at the tracks today, and my brother rode my/Jenna's old bike around a bit.
Technically, I'm the only one in the house right now. Everybody else is outside, where I was until I came in. I had something else to say, but I don't remember....
That incessant clock ticking. No time for anything, and yet so many minutes pass when I do nothing but stare at the wall. Pondering my existence, wondering if anything will come of it. Every now and then I awake to the knowledge that I can only be one person, can only feel certain things. Yet I spend so much time being other people, more interesting people, people with lives and stories to tell. The ones who sit in a room and stare at the wall are the ones least inclined to be themselves, and no one else would become them. I think I'd better go downstairs and read...something. Nothing that would make me necessarily depressed. I'm not sure how much clear thinking I can take.
Why didn't anybody call?
Yesterday afternoon I spent walking around the Pointe-Claire pool, talking to cherry trees and such. I discovered the library for all of ten minutes before closing time, concious of the looks I was receiving -- with my orange sandals, unbrushed hair, somewhat ripped clothing, and above all my dad's extremely faded rain-splattered old blue jacket -- sitting there reading that book I always read when at an unfamiliar library. (I'll finish it someday.)
There was a groundhog at the tracks today, and my brother rode my/Jenna's old bike around a bit.
Technically, I'm the only one in the house right now. Everybody else is outside, where I was until I came in. I had something else to say, but I don't remember....
That incessant clock ticking. No time for anything, and yet so many minutes pass when I do nothing but stare at the wall. Pondering my existence, wondering if anything will come of it. Every now and then I awake to the knowledge that I can only be one person, can only feel certain things. Yet I spend so much time being other people, more interesting people, people with lives and stories to tell. The ones who sit in a room and stare at the wall are the ones least inclined to be themselves, and no one else would become them. I think I'd better go downstairs and read...something. Nothing that would make me necessarily depressed. I'm not sure how much clear thinking I can take.
Why didn't anybody call?
Occasional flashes of sunlight.
Short short short....
I spent all of yesterday morning necessarily depressed. I floated around the house thinking about how black black is and deliberately not eating. After this, we won our soccer game (in the rain, but not the cold -- just as I said). I was going to post more things about yesterday, but I've realized that I really shouldn't. Later I'll probably write about today.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I don't want to live a normal life.
Few people do, but for me it's become an obsession. The words "suburbia" and "office" strike fear into my heart. My greatest fear is being average. I cling to the faint hope that there might be something unusual, something original, about myself, because if there is nothing I might as well die right here, right now.
How I envy the lunatic's disconnection from normality.
I dreamt that I was singing last night.
Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts
Hot ashes for trees
Hot air for a cool breeze
Cold comfort for change
And did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage
How I wish, how I wish you were here....
How I envy the lunatic's disconnection from normality.
I dreamt that I was singing last night.
Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts
Hot ashes for trees
Hot air for a cool breeze
Cold comfort for change
And did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage
How I wish, how I wish you were here....
Friday, May 12, 2006
Everyone vote Fat Man Eating a Sausage!
That was a great french project.
Why do you think he likes Anik Vincent?
How do you know I was talking about Anik Vincent?
Yep, some things deserve to be somewhat immortalized in a blog.
Also of note was lunch today, which made me very happy for some reason...I can't really remember what we did, but it was fun. This morning was really nice, weather-wise. Alec has developed a bizarre obsession with Kaj. (He's also pregnant.) I am making plans to burn every copy of Language Power on the planet.
I haven't written a decent blog in awhile, and I've sort of forgotten how. Okay, let me see.
I get to play soccer tomorrow, which I'm rather looking forward to (having missed two out of the three games so far). Otherwise, I don't think I'm doing anything today or this weekend except practicing for my stupid music test on monday. Well, as well as trying to sing and play guitar at the same time, staring into space for hours, and worrying about my piano exam. Nothing unusual.
It's interesting how ideas differ with every person's perception. For example, you might think you're good at soccer, and your friend might think she isn't. Then one day when you play together, you realize, through comparing between the two of you, how much better she is than you. (Oh, and this isn't based on reality. Jenna's always been a better soccer player.) Although we are instructed to refrain from comparison, the world we live in is founded on contrast. Otherwise, it would be like living in Brave New World.
Embrace the void, Kaj.
And that's basically it. For now.
Why do you think he likes Anik Vincent?
How do you know I was talking about Anik Vincent?
Yep, some things deserve to be somewhat immortalized in a blog.
Also of note was lunch today, which made me very happy for some reason...I can't really remember what we did, but it was fun. This morning was really nice, weather-wise. Alec has developed a bizarre obsession with Kaj. (He's also pregnant.) I am making plans to burn every copy of Language Power on the planet.
I haven't written a decent blog in awhile, and I've sort of forgotten how. Okay, let me see.
I get to play soccer tomorrow, which I'm rather looking forward to (having missed two out of the three games so far). Otherwise, I don't think I'm doing anything today or this weekend except practicing for my stupid music test on monday. Well, as well as trying to sing and play guitar at the same time, staring into space for hours, and worrying about my piano exam. Nothing unusual.
It's interesting how ideas differ with every person's perception. For example, you might think you're good at soccer, and your friend might think she isn't. Then one day when you play together, you realize, through comparing between the two of you, how much better she is than you. (Oh, and this isn't based on reality. Jenna's always been a better soccer player.) Although we are instructed to refrain from comparison, the world we live in is founded on contrast. Otherwise, it would be like living in Brave New World.
Embrace the void, Kaj.
And that's basically it. For now.
I'm not as good at blending in as I thought.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Still sick.
Here I am, eating fresh cheese bread. (It's amazing.) I stayed home today. This morning I finished Brave New World and wrote half my notes. This afternoon I spent in bed with my discman. In a short while I will have to call my soccer coach to inform her, regretfully, that I won't make it to the game today. Sigh....
Ugh. 23 new e-mail messages and most will be forwards.
Ugh. 23 new e-mail messages and most will be forwards.
Altered perspective.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Sick.
"Books aren't stupid. People are." -Neil
The best part of today was lunch hour (isn't that the best part of most days?) when we went outside and ate lunch on the monument until that guy came out yelling and brandishing a rake. I was okay during school, but the head pains really hit me during history, as well as guitar (we spent much of today's lesson talking about context and why colours should not be copyrighted). I hate Language Power.
The best part of today was lunch hour (isn't that the best part of most days?) when we went outside and ate lunch on the monument until that guy came out yelling and brandishing a rake. I was okay during school, but the head pains really hit me during history, as well as guitar (we spent much of today's lesson talking about context and why colours should not be copyrighted). I hate Language Power.
Whether you like it or not.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
I hate tuesdays. Ironic that I was born on one.
What I should have said when my stupid history teacher yelled at Isabelle and me for talking and decided to take marks off our tests: We're sorry, we didn't know Alanna was still working, please forgive us and don't take away the marks I so badly need.
What I said: "C'est pas juste que tu enleves des points!"
Why I shouldn't have said it: (1) Poor grammar, (2) Inaccurate (it's not unfair in itself), and (3) Weak and childish.
I do think about what I say. Just not before I say it.
I really worked hard for the Greece test though. I understood most of the material while the rest of the class was on Egypt. I've seen two of the cities on the map on page 94. I studied for a whole afternoon. And he goes and puts something he never told us to study on the test. No one told me about it, even though nearly half the grade had already done the test.
I tell you.
Photography went well...I actually got two decent pictures developed. I have not had one stunning picture all year long. I'll blame it on tired subject matter, but if I had any actual talent I would be able to create a good picture, rather than relying on seeing one.
I swear, Kaj, if you ever publish a book I will buy it and put it on my bookshelf beside The Lord of the Rings...and that's praise.
I should go do my history homework. I predict tension in the next few weeks, and with that shall come longer posts.
What I said: "C'est pas juste que tu enleves des points!"
Why I shouldn't have said it: (1) Poor grammar, (2) Inaccurate (it's not unfair in itself), and (3) Weak and childish.
I do think about what I say. Just not before I say it.
I really worked hard for the Greece test though. I understood most of the material while the rest of the class was on Egypt. I've seen two of the cities on the map on page 94. I studied for a whole afternoon. And he goes and puts something he never told us to study on the test. No one told me about it, even though nearly half the grade had already done the test.
I tell you.
Photography went well...I actually got two decent pictures developed. I have not had one stunning picture all year long. I'll blame it on tired subject matter, but if I had any actual talent I would be able to create a good picture, rather than relying on seeing one.
I swear, Kaj, if you ever publish a book I will buy it and put it on my bookshelf beside The Lord of the Rings...and that's praise.
I should go do my history homework. I predict tension in the next few weeks, and with that shall come longer posts.
Dreams on paper.
Monday, May 08, 2006
A million bright ambassadors of morning
Well, today is one of those days when I am full of stuff to say. I haven't had one of those in a week or so, and it's a welcome relief from the boring I-did-this I-did-that bilge.
I realized in french class after Kelsey and I each did one of those things where you basically write down what comes into your head exactly how we're different. She typically writes about a downward spiral into deep dark despair. (The title of her forgotten blog attests to this.) I always write about coming back out again. I am, therefore, optimistic and depressed, a depressed optimist, or something of that ilk. When doing math problems with integers, I secretly cheer every time the answer works out to be positive.
I guess that's why I like a certain type of music, a certain type of poetry. Kelsey says my music is depressing and occasionally dark, but I find it so uplifting. (That's why me crying while listening to music is weird. I don't cry during the sad parts, I cry during the parts where everything becomes beautiful again.)
Well, that was definetly an epiphany you needed to hear about. Let me see, what else happened? Kaj and I spent science scribbling in my drug workshop notebook, but nothing can be published here except for some of my opinions on death. I won't start that now. No one is in the house and someone outside is mowing the lawn, so I tried to sing again, but I really need a capo. I have a very limited range.
What is that whistling outside? It's like singing metal. (And the weird thing is, I can identify the note. It's a high high F.)
I have to find that roll of film from Vancouver. It's driving me absolutely insane. I also have to find my guitar folder.
You know, you as readers only know what I choose to tell you. I could have typed a whole unflattering paragraph about your faults, then deleted it, and you would never know. Yes, I know it's a brilliant observation, but I just thought I'd get you thinking. If any of you ever went through my folders or my computer files or basically anywhere I put ideas I've written, you would find stuff that was a little more true. (Of course, most of writing is lies anyway.) That's why I try to keep people from going through my things. That's why I won't even let you look at my agenda. I don't want anyone to find out what a freak I truly am.
Or am I a freak?
I think maybe two, three of the people reading this are following me at this point. Okay, what do you want me to talk about?
I could just type anything. Sit back and let my fingers do the work. Yes, that sounds like fun.
There goes that lawnmower again. Interesting how people take such pride in something like a garden. We like to be actually helping things live and grow for a change, I expect. But we're selecting what lives and grows and what does not, playing God. Always dreaming of more power, we humans. I suppose that is what separates us from the others, but I predict that will also be our downfall. Too ambitious, like Caesar. My father does not pull out the weeds; he allows everything to live as it wishes. Were that there were more people like my father. Were that I was like my father. I sometimes wish I was a tree because trees are so much more beautiful, so very much nobler and greater than we, whatever we think. But there I am dreaming of power, hoping to climb up the ladder I denounced a mere two hours before. We are never satisfied. If we were satisfied, we would be like cows in a field, eating their grass. Not a bad life, to be satisfied, happy, and ignorant. Knowledge is truly the greatest burden, and this is why being able to see the future would be so terrible. We are never even satisfied with the knowledge we have, and this pushes us to be greater and greater than ever. But when you get to the top, where do you go next? All I see is a long way down.
By the way, since when is Kaj in the junior play?
Beannachd Leibh.
Posted by Eilinn MacCallum, some random day in may.
I realized in french class after Kelsey and I each did one of those things where you basically write down what comes into your head exactly how we're different. She typically writes about a downward spiral into deep dark despair. (The title of her forgotten blog attests to this.) I always write about coming back out again. I am, therefore, optimistic and depressed, a depressed optimist, or something of that ilk. When doing math problems with integers, I secretly cheer every time the answer works out to be positive.
I guess that's why I like a certain type of music, a certain type of poetry. Kelsey says my music is depressing and occasionally dark, but I find it so uplifting. (That's why me crying while listening to music is weird. I don't cry during the sad parts, I cry during the parts where everything becomes beautiful again.)
Well, that was definetly an epiphany you needed to hear about. Let me see, what else happened? Kaj and I spent science scribbling in my drug workshop notebook, but nothing can be published here except for some of my opinions on death. I won't start that now. No one is in the house and someone outside is mowing the lawn, so I tried to sing again, but I really need a capo. I have a very limited range.
What is that whistling outside? It's like singing metal. (And the weird thing is, I can identify the note. It's a high high F.)
I have to find that roll of film from Vancouver. It's driving me absolutely insane. I also have to find my guitar folder.
You know, you as readers only know what I choose to tell you. I could have typed a whole unflattering paragraph about your faults, then deleted it, and you would never know. Yes, I know it's a brilliant observation, but I just thought I'd get you thinking. If any of you ever went through my folders or my computer files or basically anywhere I put ideas I've written, you would find stuff that was a little more true. (Of course, most of writing is lies anyway.) That's why I try to keep people from going through my things. That's why I won't even let you look at my agenda. I don't want anyone to find out what a freak I truly am.
Or am I a freak?
I think maybe two, three of the people reading this are following me at this point. Okay, what do you want me to talk about?
I could just type anything. Sit back and let my fingers do the work. Yes, that sounds like fun.
There goes that lawnmower again. Interesting how people take such pride in something like a garden. We like to be actually helping things live and grow for a change, I expect. But we're selecting what lives and grows and what does not, playing God. Always dreaming of more power, we humans. I suppose that is what separates us from the others, but I predict that will also be our downfall. Too ambitious, like Caesar. My father does not pull out the weeds; he allows everything to live as it wishes. Were that there were more people like my father. Were that I was like my father. I sometimes wish I was a tree because trees are so much more beautiful, so very much nobler and greater than we, whatever we think. But there I am dreaming of power, hoping to climb up the ladder I denounced a mere two hours before. We are never satisfied. If we were satisfied, we would be like cows in a field, eating their grass. Not a bad life, to be satisfied, happy, and ignorant. Knowledge is truly the greatest burden, and this is why being able to see the future would be so terrible. We are never even satisfied with the knowledge we have, and this pushes us to be greater and greater than ever. But when you get to the top, where do you go next? All I see is a long way down.
By the way, since when is Kaj in the junior play?
Beannachd Leibh.
Posted by Eilinn MacCallum, some random day in may.
From this star on my arm I draw inspiration.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
It's still bright.
Something you should all try: Turtles ice cream with raspberry sauce/syrup.
So Jenna and I went biking and I picked up bread, which was great (the bread, yes, but mostly the biking).
I'm wondering what I should do about this ear that's been killing me since soccer in the rain yesterday. I'm also thinking about joining swim team. And if I should try to sing next wednesday...and how. Above all, I'm considering what to do about this summer, because I know it's going to be an amazing one, and I'm trying to know what's going to happen after. How fortunate that I cannot see the future, because whether good or ill shall come next, I would be Not Living. No matter how many unfulfilled expectations and depressing Nothings, unknowing is the door to emotion.
If we knew what was going to happen next, there would be not even that shadow of feeling in our world.
Peace.
So Jenna and I went biking and I picked up bread, which was great (the bread, yes, but mostly the biking).
I'm wondering what I should do about this ear that's been killing me since soccer in the rain yesterday. I'm also thinking about joining swim team. And if I should try to sing next wednesday...and how. Above all, I'm considering what to do about this summer, because I know it's going to be an amazing one, and I'm trying to know what's going to happen after. How fortunate that I cannot see the future, because whether good or ill shall come next, I would be Not Living. No matter how many unfulfilled expectations and depressing Nothings, unknowing is the door to emotion.
If we knew what was going to happen next, there would be not even that shadow of feeling in our world.
Peace.
Still eating my Easter chocolate.
This morning I received a call from none other than Ms Purdy, advising me to bring clothespins as we would be playing the ceremony outside. My music stand proved to be stellar when it came to keeping the papers from flying off (my funky clothespins helped, naturally), but others weren't so lucky, and one stand slipped into the gutter. (It's always the saxes.) We were "awesome" (and I'm proud to be a dork), of course. The ceremony itself was okay, except for the rabbi at the end who started talking about how people were "denying the holocaust" and bad-mouthing Islam, which was kind of inappropriate. I lost the competition for last leaving, but I still came in third. I'm not sure whether Marco forgot his trumpet or not.
I can't believe Winds is over though. Say what you like, everyone, but I love the stupid band, and now it's finished.
I can't believe Winds is over though. Say what you like, everyone, but I love the stupid band, and now it's finished.
kaleidoscope eyes
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Saturday rain...hey, let's go biking!
I just got in from my first soccer game, which we played in the freezing pouring rain. I'm completely numb...I can barely think or type. When we arrived, I realized that I was the only one not wearing a long-sleeved shirt under her jersey. Jenna had four shirts on. I had one and a half, as well as a pair of Jenna's gloves. I think I understand now why people say they start to feel warm right before they die of hypothermia. I can't actually talk right now because I've been gasping cold air for an hour and my throat is killing me.
We had nine players; the other team, sixteen. Whether we were out of shape or no, it was a very hard game, especially since the other team kept sending out fresh players. There were only two of us playing halfback, and we were running so hard I felt like I was going to fall over and die right then and there. And Kaj would get the shirt a little earlier than expected. We actually won the game on thursday, but we lost this one (against Marissa's team) two to zero.
Yes. I love soccer.
Earlier today, I tried to get into the school to get my science/history books for studying. Meeting Kaj and Weiner there, we walked around the entire school trying every door before managing to get inside. We were going up the stairs at about nine twenty five in the morning when the janitor came and yelled at us. Apparently rehearsal didn't start until ten, "9:30 at the earliest." So I meekly followed them back outside, where we met Alice and Isaac. We then walked around to the front field and listened to Kaj's running commentary on the atom girls' soccer league playing there until about five minutes to 10.
I've realized that I have two main nightmares. One is being trapped on one of those neverending staircases you find in optical illusion books and such. The other one is that my life is just like in The Truman Show and everyone really knows everything about me.
Thanks for the lift, Jenna.
We had nine players; the other team, sixteen. Whether we were out of shape or no, it was a very hard game, especially since the other team kept sending out fresh players. There were only two of us playing halfback, and we were running so hard I felt like I was going to fall over and die right then and there. And Kaj would get the shirt a little earlier than expected. We actually won the game on thursday, but we lost this one (against Marissa's team) two to zero.
Yes. I love soccer.
Earlier today, I tried to get into the school to get my science/history books for studying. Meeting Kaj and Weiner there, we walked around the entire school trying every door before managing to get inside. We were going up the stairs at about nine twenty five in the morning when the janitor came and yelled at us. Apparently rehearsal didn't start until ten, "9:30 at the earliest." So I meekly followed them back outside, where we met Alice and Isaac. We then walked around to the front field and listened to Kaj's running commentary on the atom girls' soccer league playing there until about five minutes to 10.
I've realized that I have two main nightmares. One is being trapped on one of those neverending staircases you find in optical illusion books and such. The other one is that my life is just like in The Truman Show and everyone really knows everything about me.
Thanks for the lift, Jenna.
How free we fly when cares are forgotten.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Post-concert.
Because nothing was happening this afternoon, I planned to walk home alone and lock myself in my room all afternoon with a glass of water and write until Jenna got out of school. Unfortunately, nothing happened to disturb my plans. We should go biking though because it's Friday and it's incredibly beautiful outside...if the opposite of yesterday's gorgeous mist.
Well, yesterday was memorable. Most of you have heard the slightly humiliating and rather hilarious story of Alec's stupidity in MRE. Then we missed Kelsey after school, but it was loads of fun. Arthi, Jos and I helped fold programs, I paid Kelsey 2.25 (actually that happened this morning, but because of last night...and I only actually had to give her the two bucks from the first bet), Winds was awesome, etc, etc.... If I had written yesterday, you would have been reading paragraphs on paragraphs of my reminiscences and ruminating, but as it stands that's long in the past and my fervour wanes with time.
I realized that I spent much of this morning annoyed with people (especially myself) and being paranoid about how everyone's laughing at me all the time. As well as feeling depressed, uncreative, and seriously worried about both my future and that of our poor wayward species.
I can't believe Jen's graduating. I'm really going to miss her. She treats me like a friend although I'm three grades below her and talks to me in homeroom when no one else does. What's more, she eats at Cafe Foster, which is awesome in itself.
I'll probably write more later, due to a simple lack of anything else, constructive or otherwise, to do. In the space between I plan to be losing any dream of conciousness to the slow beat of whatever I choose to play and worrying about my piano exam.
I've gotta start keeping a stack of post-its by my bed.
Well, yesterday was memorable. Most of you have heard the slightly humiliating and rather hilarious story of Alec's stupidity in MRE. Then we missed Kelsey after school, but it was loads of fun. Arthi, Jos and I helped fold programs, I paid Kelsey 2.25 (actually that happened this morning, but because of last night...and I only actually had to give her the two bucks from the first bet), Winds was awesome, etc, etc.... If I had written yesterday, you would have been reading paragraphs on paragraphs of my reminiscences and ruminating, but as it stands that's long in the past and my fervour wanes with time.
I realized that I spent much of this morning annoyed with people (especially myself) and being paranoid about how everyone's laughing at me all the time. As well as feeling depressed, uncreative, and seriously worried about both my future and that of our poor wayward species.
I can't believe Jen's graduating. I'm really going to miss her. She treats me like a friend although I'm three grades below her and talks to me in homeroom when no one else does. What's more, she eats at Cafe Foster, which is awesome in itself.
I'll probably write more later, due to a simple lack of anything else, constructive or otherwise, to do. In the space between I plan to be losing any dream of conciousness to the slow beat of whatever I choose to play and worrying about my piano exam.
I've gotta start keeping a stack of post-its by my bed.
I am just like Babe. A tip of your head is worth all the praise in the world.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Raining still....
"That would sound so much better with vocals."
That was Neil's comment after we finished murdering Mrs Robinson.
When I walked into the room at the beginning of the class, he was playing Dark Side of the Moon and scribbling down the chord progression for Money. After S&G, we spent the rest of the lesson working on my classical pieces.
You think he's trying to tell me something?
Singing isn't easy for me. I don't know if it's easy for most people. I don't think even Ariel or Arthi can get up and sing in front of a crowd, and for me singing in front of anyone is nigh impossible. I don't have a good voice. That shouldn't matter, because not everyone does. I'm not sure why it's so stressful for me.
I wish that the society I grew up in was more open to singing. There are so many cultures, present and past, that believe or believed singing to be as natural as speaking. (I'm not great at that either, but that's another issue.) I'm not going to start talking about how I should have been born in another time again, but it's sad how we don't really accept song in our daily lives anymore, aside from recorded music.
Sure, I can't blame it all on society, but it's not like I don't want to sing. I would love to be able to just leave self-conciousness and shyness behind and fly away. Playing guitar at the same time takes practice, but I'm confident that wouldn't be a problem for long. And I know the lyrics to most of what I play, so what's my problem?
Hmm.
By the way, Neil is not only a great teacher, but a really interesting guy...and one of my favourite sources of quotes. Here's a gem from today's lesson:
"Six-eight time is like...well, it's three, but it's also two."
Neil was also the one who first told me about Cookie Monster's new "A cookie is a sometimes food" song (the epitome of political correctness, I think).
So...I shall be going now, for the last time I think. Anything more I wanted to say will either turn up later or disappear forever into the misty realms of my half-dreaming mind. Though, of course, by disappearing into my mind, it may cause other thoughts to surface or resurface. You never know, do you?
That was Neil's comment after we finished murdering Mrs Robinson.
When I walked into the room at the beginning of the class, he was playing Dark Side of the Moon and scribbling down the chord progression for Money. After S&G, we spent the rest of the lesson working on my classical pieces.
You think he's trying to tell me something?
Singing isn't easy for me. I don't know if it's easy for most people. I don't think even Ariel or Arthi can get up and sing in front of a crowd, and for me singing in front of anyone is nigh impossible. I don't have a good voice. That shouldn't matter, because not everyone does. I'm not sure why it's so stressful for me.
I wish that the society I grew up in was more open to singing. There are so many cultures, present and past, that believe or believed singing to be as natural as speaking. (I'm not great at that either, but that's another issue.) I'm not going to start talking about how I should have been born in another time again, but it's sad how we don't really accept song in our daily lives anymore, aside from recorded music.
Sure, I can't blame it all on society, but it's not like I don't want to sing. I would love to be able to just leave self-conciousness and shyness behind and fly away. Playing guitar at the same time takes practice, but I'm confident that wouldn't be a problem for long. And I know the lyrics to most of what I play, so what's my problem?
Hmm.
By the way, Neil is not only a great teacher, but a really interesting guy...and one of my favourite sources of quotes. Here's a gem from today's lesson:
"Six-eight time is like...well, it's three, but it's also two."
Neil was also the one who first told me about Cookie Monster's new "A cookie is a sometimes food" song (the epitome of political correctness, I think).
So...I shall be going now, for the last time I think. Anything more I wanted to say will either turn up later or disappear forever into the misty realms of my half-dreaming mind. Though, of course, by disappearing into my mind, it may cause other thoughts to surface or resurface. You never know, do you?
A strong mind may fight the flow. A stronger mind may leave the river. Who has the courage to make a dream reality?
That girl in the rain? That was me.
I've come to realize that I have had a childhood. Not an interesting one that I can use to fill short story collections with witty prose, but a more classic one, a more sentimental, even strange, childhood. Not tear-jerking enough, perhaps, to sell as a poignant memoir, but I have a lot of memories. (Of course, that's always true. Me and my freakish memory.)
Hoo. Almost lost my cell phone, then found it right in front of me. Okay, back to the blog.
I've also come to realize how few children these days have an idyllic childhood. Even those who aren't living in slums or fleeing war troops are lacking in this, somehow. What I remember most fondly from say, five years ago, is all the stuff I used to do with my dad. (Mums are the ones who have all the highs and lows. For dads, the graph is pretty regular.) I remember him winding the moon, and singing green grow the rushes, and stuff like that. Well, my dad was a lot busier when Tommy came along, but Tom will also remember those things. I pretty much filled that role. Whereas all I've done for Emma is taught her to play chess. I'm busier too.
I love Piccardy thirds. You know how at the end of a minor piece, sometimes, it will resolve to a major chord? If I had a piano I'd show you what I mean. It's one of those things that can make me cry. I like how depressing and depressed can suddenly become something completely Else...I find it so very uplifting.
So there's today. Well, it's not over yet, and I'm not finished writing. I have guitar now. My first soccer game is Saturday, we have that ceremony on Sunday, and the concert is tomorrow.
Set the controls for the heart of the sun.
I should be back after guitar, though, so I won't close it off. I have so much more to say....
Hoo. Almost lost my cell phone, then found it right in front of me. Okay, back to the blog.
I've also come to realize how few children these days have an idyllic childhood. Even those who aren't living in slums or fleeing war troops are lacking in this, somehow. What I remember most fondly from say, five years ago, is all the stuff I used to do with my dad. (Mums are the ones who have all the highs and lows. For dads, the graph is pretty regular.) I remember him winding the moon, and singing green grow the rushes, and stuff like that. Well, my dad was a lot busier when Tommy came along, but Tom will also remember those things. I pretty much filled that role. Whereas all I've done for Emma is taught her to play chess. I'm busier too.
I love Piccardy thirds. You know how at the end of a minor piece, sometimes, it will resolve to a major chord? If I had a piano I'd show you what I mean. It's one of those things that can make me cry. I like how depressing and depressed can suddenly become something completely Else...I find it so very uplifting.
So there's today. Well, it's not over yet, and I'm not finished writing. I have guitar now. My first soccer game is Saturday, we have that ceremony on Sunday, and the concert is tomorrow.
Set the controls for the heart of the sun.
I should be back after guitar, though, so I won't close it off. I have so much more to say....
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Flying high
My dad is the coolest ever. I mean, come on. What other dad owns over a hundred harmonicas, pays to download music, and brings up the evils of the liberal party at every turkey dinner? What other dad makes turkey dinner? What other dad can put you in hysterics while explaining a complex scientific theory? What other dad speaks British english with a Canadian accent and keeps spiders in the basement so they won't die in the winter?
Seriously.
I bring this up because I just walked home in the pouring rain, and that made me think of playing soccer at Hodgson Field in the pouring rain, years ago. And that made me think of this story, as related to Kelsey in an e-mail last September. I don't think she ever got the e-mail. Please excuse the reprise of the Lancaster story.
My father owns a place in Ontario, a something of acres. There's an oak tree there, and one day the baby oaks that surround it will form an orchard. There's also a pond, frogs and bullrushes but especially little hills with tall grass all around. I used to climb up the hills and roll down. When you stood on top of one of those hills, you felt on top of the whole world.
Sometimes now we bring the baby trees I rescue from plant pots and cracks in the road. We plant them all around.
Last time I went, I think, was actually a year ago. I took a few pictures there that I thought were kind of cool. That was when I really began taking pictures of everything.
My father and my mother both have red windbreakers. I borrowed one once for a soccer game in the rain, but it soaked up the water and weighed me down. So I took it off and played in the pouring rain. My team won, and by the time the game was over my hands were so cold and frozen I couldn't manage my bicycle helmet. My dad came that day, though, and he stayed the whole time, holding on to the red windbreaker.
I was flying so high today. I couldn't even figure out why. I mean, I had a math test, half of an english test I'm not going to finish on time, a band rehearsal at lunch, French, Science, another math test and I'm not even going to go into MRE. (Thanks to Kaj for coming and sitting next to me in Kim's absence and then making me laugh the entire time, by the way.) Oh, and the habs are playing and it's a very stressful time for hockey fans. I don't have a clue why I was so happy, but I was.
Photography didn't exactly ruin my mood. I love photography. I just always feel torn, like my neutrality is being threatened. There's no safe place in between Alex and the Dark Side. I was also worried that I wasn't wanted and I was getting in people's way, but Chloe said something about how the other two don't get along well. Well, too bad and great, ya know? At least I wasn't the problem.
Well, enough quasi-cryptic inexplanations. I'll end this mediocre post before it slides down any further. (Too late.) Is anything happening this weekend?
Eilinn MacCallum, signing off.
Seriously.
I bring this up because I just walked home in the pouring rain, and that made me think of playing soccer at Hodgson Field in the pouring rain, years ago. And that made me think of this story, as related to Kelsey in an e-mail last September. I don't think she ever got the e-mail. Please excuse the reprise of the Lancaster story.
My father owns a place in Ontario, a something of acres. There's an oak tree there, and one day the baby oaks that surround it will form an orchard. There's also a pond, frogs and bullrushes but especially little hills with tall grass all around. I used to climb up the hills and roll down. When you stood on top of one of those hills, you felt on top of the whole world.
Sometimes now we bring the baby trees I rescue from plant pots and cracks in the road. We plant them all around.
Last time I went, I think, was actually a year ago. I took a few pictures there that I thought were kind of cool. That was when I really began taking pictures of everything.
My father and my mother both have red windbreakers. I borrowed one once for a soccer game in the rain, but it soaked up the water and weighed me down. So I took it off and played in the pouring rain. My team won, and by the time the game was over my hands were so cold and frozen I couldn't manage my bicycle helmet. My dad came that day, though, and he stayed the whole time, holding on to the red windbreaker.
I was flying so high today. I couldn't even figure out why. I mean, I had a math test, half of an english test I'm not going to finish on time, a band rehearsal at lunch, French, Science, another math test and I'm not even going to go into MRE. (Thanks to Kaj for coming and sitting next to me in Kim's absence and then making me laugh the entire time, by the way.) Oh, and the habs are playing and it's a very stressful time for hockey fans. I don't have a clue why I was so happy, but I was.
Photography didn't exactly ruin my mood. I love photography. I just always feel torn, like my neutrality is being threatened. There's no safe place in between Alex and the Dark Side. I was also worried that I wasn't wanted and I was getting in people's way, but Chloe said something about how the other two don't get along well. Well, too bad and great, ya know? At least I wasn't the problem.
Well, enough quasi-cryptic inexplanations. I'll end this mediocre post before it slides down any further. (Too late.) Is anything happening this weekend?
Eilinn MacCallum, signing off.
High hopes for the future.
Monday, May 01, 2006
SOCCER!!!!
...has officially started! We have an awesome team with a goalie and there are so many nice people on the team (including Jenna! yay!) and Jenna says there's a Dairy Queen near the field in Westmount and I'm not number 11 but I'm 19 which is awesome...the more excited I am, the more italics I use...and ellipses...and the word awesome...I have new cleats which are great if a bit big and Jenna's joined the Defence Crew. There are people I know playing Bantam and people I know on the guys' teams who practice after us (losers! ah ha ha...when it gets warmer they'll be practicing while we'll be in the pool) and people (and dogs!) I know who come and watch (although, you know, all these people we know are to be anticipated and even feared in MW...ah well team spirit is infectious...). This will be the best year for soccer. I can feel it. We might even win. Yes! I can't wait for my first game (I'm missing the one on thursday...that concert...) so we can finally play those Westmount teams into the ground. Hey, it just might happen.
Posted by Eilinn MacCallum Monday May 1st Day One
Posted by Eilinn MacCallum Monday May 1st Day One
Exuberant, I fly across the grass.
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