Day Three

I am weak because I am afraid.

Afraid of doing, saying the wrong thing. Afraid of hurting other people and myself. And, therefore, afraid of being too close to people.

Withdrawing is easier.

I am a liar too, because I say I want things to happen. I say I want to be more than the observer. But I retreat into myself, watching other people live their lives, and whether this gives me more pleasure or makes me more miserable I cannot say.

But an island never cries.

So you forget me, continuing with your life, your story. And only when I am completely alone will I remember that I am not only afraid of being too close, I am afraid of being too far away.


I wrote that in my drug workshop notebook this morning, when I woke up.

Alec: "You're in denial, aren't you."
Kelsey: "No I'm not!"

A month of emotion seems to be being crammed into this single week. Today continued the trend, as I expected it to. I'm pretty sure the rain is behind all this, or it's in between all this and the cause, like an eclipse that doesn't eclipse anything at all.

I was angry because you can't just get up and leave your problems behind. Life doesn't work that way. Honestly, everyone has a bad day sometimes, some more than often -- STICK IT OUT.

I'm sorry I was angry, now. Anger never lasts long for me. I am just seriously depressed. Science class did that to me. I was going to do the pros and cons of blogging today, but I just can't manage it now. I was going to do a lot I can't think of. Pretty much all I'm good for now is untwisting and retwisting paper clips and strumming the same chord on my guitar over and over and over.

Why can't you see?