Quoth Fred:

Afraid to look. Eyes downcast. What if I burn too deep? What if there’s nothing left but truth? Afraid of the truth, but constantly seeking it. Please, be strong, because you make me strong. Strong enough that someday I will dare to look up, to burn away all the shells around the truth. And I will want to die, but more than that I will want to live.

Forgive me, friends, for speaking of myself. Confused though this world is, I may be the thing I understand the least about it. Allow me, therefore, to publish my theories on the way my mind works, or more accurately doesn’t. My moods change; bear with me, and this one shall pass, as all things do.

*pauses*

O, loathsome neutrality.

In this world, confused as it is, we are required to choose sides. Light or dark, right or wrong, black or white…for though nothing is clear-cut and there are always shades of gray, I believe ultimately there are two paths we can go by. Those are the requirements, and to be truly living we must adhere to them. To keep silent, to keep opinion and emotion to oneself, to remove oneself of the world, is taking one’s own life.

Because neutrality kills, and by definition does not confine itself to one side. Choosing neutrality is to forsake the good along with the ill.

I am not truly neutral, of course. I merely keep myself to myself. On my own, I can be an actor, a singer, a dancer. This is precisely why I can never be any of these. I understand the tree that falls alone in the forest. I understand the cat in the box with the bottle of cyanide. (If you really want to know about this, ask me.) I understand these because I am them, and because I still have not figured out whether I make a sound at all as I fall.

Perhaps there is still time to change the road I’m on. Or, precisely, to actually get on a freaking road. And not a day goes by that I don’t feel thankful that I have the best friends it is possible to have.

Such was my tree of thought (branching out) as I walked home, alone after leaving the others. Haltingly, pausing every once in awhile to stare, stare into...nothing much, but I was tired, and still am. I stopped in front of the house, wondering if I really wanted to step back into life. Eventually, I took a breath, leapt in through the door, and strode upstairs assertively, ready to write about my states of confusion.

I marched into my room, threw my bag on the ground, tossed my backpack aside with the aloof air of an indifferent artist, turned to go and shut the door, stepped in a basket, and flew across the room into my sister's dresser, slamming la porte in the process.

Wait, wait! Guess what I'm going to say! Charlie Brown!

Protestant was the best today. First Desilets threw Billy out of the class for being a pervert. Then he threw Kaj out of the class for finding something funny. Billy walked out almost proudly, whereas Kaj stood up, pointed a finger at the teacher, and raged, "It is a sad society that is not allowed to laugh, Mr Desilets!" before leaving, a smile of satisfaction on his lips. (Alec found that funny, of course.) Then Desilets threw Graham out of the class for being too smart (tsk, tsk...haven't you learned, Graham?) and told him to let the other two come back in.

Ariel is such a great singer, even though she wants to die right now. Ariel and Kaj and everyone were great. (One of the best scenes, I believe, was Kaj getting pushed to the ground by the short kid with the cane.)

Anyway. I want to write a lot more, but I really really have to go now, so see you soon.

claustrophobic in a bubble. trying so hard to break free.